Family and Friends

Went for a dental surgery of my impacted teeth under general anaesthetic last Wednesday..first time after I was a newborn, I stayed in the hospital again. Lots of injection given before the surgery, change two beds, pillows and blankets. The nurses did all these and I just laid down. Once I was pushed into the operation theatre.." Can you please climb over here?' ask the nurse... I was like.. how come not carry me over.. may be I was too heavy..hahaha.. Somemore injections given and then inhaling the gas.. all I could hear was " Okie.. she is getting into her sleep" No matter how hard I try not to close my eyes.. I was defeated by the effects of the DRUGS...

No dreams or watsoever.. then I heard " Can you hear me?It is done.. open your eyes" Keep repeating near my ears and I choked and lift up my very heavy eyes..." Ok.. she is fine.." At that moment, I started to feel the pain, could not lift my hands to touch my face,no feeling on my tongue, could not talk and tears keep flooding my eyes.... At that moment, then I realised how weak was I?How uncapable was I? When I was in the ward, I still need the nurse to help me in everything.

At the moment when I started to feel conscious, I look for my phone. What was I looking? Any message from Him? To my great disappointment.. NONE until I was discharged two days later with a message from Him " So, ok already?" That's it.... Instead, his parents and my family were the ones who were beside me and gave me the comfort. Where was his comfort? From the moment I told him I am going to have my surgery till I did it, no questions asked what surgery I willl be doing and NO comfort message. I remembered I even message him the hour before I did the operation, he just replied as noted and then NO news from him again. Needless to say, his actions really disappoint me and started to make me think.."Where am I in his heart?", "Does he really still love me?", 'Where is his caring attitude?","Or he still be with me was because he feels that he feel bad to leave me or he just wanted me to leave him like 5 years ago?", "What actually does he want?","Should I wait for this man again or let go will be happier for each other?"

I surely would not like to think of these questions and how I wish he can read my blog to know what I actually feel..... You must be thinking I have already know the answer to what should I do and it is just me who do not have the guts or courage to do it..I admit it and I can say that, ' Once the relationship ages, it actually change from love to responsibility..' and Family and Friends are more important than Him, so do not neglect them.....He can be replaced but not your family and friends....

Helpless on the Bed

Love is Blind

Been reading Amy Cheung book and came across this chapter, 'You love him or you need him?'. When I read the title.. and then slowly into the content...I started to reflect on myself. The more I think of my situation, the more I get confuse. Why? Because I myself can consider lost in my love journey....

For so many years with him together, together for such a long time and coming to almost a decade...no title and no watsoever... If you ask me, what position am I in his heart...I have no answer. Years ago, if you ask me, ' Do I love him?' Without any seconds.. My answer is "Definitely!!". Today if you ask me " Do you love him?" I will thought a few seconds and answer." Yesss..if not, why I do still with him.." Why is there a lag of time?? Is it because I start to think and ask myself the question do i love him or actually do I don't wanna give up because I have invest almost a decade of youth into him??

Many years ago, I am so looking forward to become his bride. When marriage come into our conversation, he will say" I am not going to marry, if you want to marry, you better look for another man" Today, after so many years, I will still think, is my wish to become his bride possible?? Today, whenever marriage come into our conversations, he will say " Don't try your luck on me, you will fail miserably" and ' I do not like to be force, the more you force, the more I would not do it..." Is this the signals he giving out to ask me to leave him?? Whose fault is this?? His? or my stupidity thinking that every man will get tied down one day?

I believe that when you are reading this, you will ask me to leave this man and look for a better one. I do think before but just could not do it...Then you may ask.. is it because I could not give up because I been with him for so many years? Well..I also thought of letting go.. but it is not easy to do.... Because of that paper, we got to separate? Is that paper really that important? How insured is that paper to keep us together forever? If today, we got quarrel of that paper, how much future will that paper bring to us in our life? You may think of I am stupid, but I will think, as long as we are happy with our situation now, it is fine. Then you may say.... I am just thinking of excuses to make myself comfortable...Yes, I admit it... But truly speaking.. Who on this earth are not thinking of excuses to cover for their act? All I can say is...LOVE IS BLIND

I have a blog too

Been quite sometime that I did not do any blogging..the last blog that I wrote was when I was feeling down.. and after months, I blog again tonite.... it is also when I am feeling down. Why is it everytime when I feel down, I will think of blogging? How come I will not think of blogging when I am really happy and excited?? Is it because I could not find anyone to throw out my frustrated story??And if so.. does it also show that I do not have a really close friend beside me to hear all my stories??Or is it because I feel bad to throw all those negative frequency onto my innocent friends??

Recently, my girlfriend recommended me a taiwan writer Amy Cheung who writes love stories and compile her blog into a book. My friend read and came across a chapter of her book in the book store and called me.. "hey Jess,try you read this..sound so similar like your stories you told me before.." I read and it sound so like my situation.Then she bought one and I also bought one of the series.. Mine title is " I love before,that is why I live before" (direct translation)..

Been reading almost half the book with more than 30 chapters, I can said that she really had wrote down most of my 'lost and confused' feeling in my love life into the book and I also wonder.. does she also has the similar love life as mine?? Most of the chapters wrote offer more questions to think about and of course her feeling rather than telling you what to do and not to do...afterall it is her blogs and being compiled into books.. And undeniable, she reminded me I still do have a blog...

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